cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
