My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
