one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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