when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
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2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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