As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
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I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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