Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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