Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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