Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
