I think I won the penis lottery.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
