evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
