I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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