why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
