I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
