so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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