Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
