i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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