I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
