Four minutes until I can fart!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
