Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
