If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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