I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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