The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
