So drunk its hurt
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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