I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
