They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
