I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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