I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
