I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Randomize
