Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
