i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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