no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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