Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Come on in and take your pants off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
