my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
