Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
