The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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