I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
