I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
