Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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