so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
