I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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