There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
