Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
