Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
