i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
