No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
