Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
