I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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