2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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