so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
