it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
50% drunk capacity currently
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Randomize
