Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
