Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
