Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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