Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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