I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
