dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
