Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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