I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
