i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
